Just Me
It’s so hard to admit weakness. To admit that something that you’ve tried to do has failed. Especially when that something was the relationship you had with the most awesome person you know, your soul mate and best friend.
Because I’m not happy, because I’m unsure of what to do with my life, because when I think about trying to do something I talk myself out of it, just because of all this and more I’ve realised I’m not truly myself yet. That’s frustrated me. There are moments, days, weeks even, when all of the insecurities disappear and I am happy and confident and attempting to do things I want to do. Then that happiness gets covered up by all of the insecurities and bad experiences again. Confusingly for Dan, he fell in love with me at one of those high points, and has been so confused and frustrated when the rest of the time I’m a different person.
When I’ve been at my worst Dan has been there right next to me and he’s held me and tried to help me to break free of everything which binds me up inside. I’ve pushed him away and only called him closer when I’ve needed him again. It hasn’t been his job to fix me up, but he’s tried and it hasn’t worked. The only one who can make me do the things I want is me.
It’s that simple and that scary.
All along I’ve wanted to write about this on Battlecat but I felt scared to. That people would think that I was hopeless. Really, why would anyone who gets to travel the world feel so sad, surely she’s already living the dream? So I didn’t write what I really wanted to, even when writing that down would have helped so much, been a form of therapy in itself, maybe prevented Dan and I from falling apart. Unsurprisingly, the post about biting the Chinese man on the Great Wall, my last real post, pretty much marks the week in which everything began to get really bad. Already I was not able to work things through logically, so I ended up biting a person because I didn’t know what else to do.
Dan is being so sweet, and proves again and again why I love him. He’s trying to help me as much as he can. Even now. Though it hurts to know that I’m not going to be with him. I’m forcing the maybes and what ifs and when I’m better, maybe we cans out of my head. What I really want (but am not sure about yet) and what Dan wants are very likely not going to match up. He wants to spend more time travelling and I think that the things I want to do aren’t that portable. I’ve tried following him when it hasn’t been right for me, I’ve resented him and things have fallen apart in a most terrible way. If he hadn’t travelled and we’d stayed in Adelaide, he would have resented me for preventing him from doing what he wanted.
This situation is a horrible catch-22 . Dan and I can only be together if I’m happy. But I can’t be happy if I’m with Dan. Realistically I have to replace Dan with “A Someone”. Though the thought of anyone else turns my stomach. It just doesn’t feel right to think of anyone but Dan as my lover.
It feels even worse than how I feel about my heart, to think that his heart is breaking because of this. I didn’t mean for this to happen.
It did happen though. On Wednesday, Dan is going to fly down to Germany to catch up with some friends who are going to the World Cup. After that he goes travelling where ever and however he pleases. He can hitchhike, skydive, sleep rough… whatever, I won’t be there to freak out. It’s what he needs and wants to do.
I think that I’m going to stay in Finland for a bit. I like it here. I feel at ease too. I’m making friends with some of the people we’ve stayed with and that is an awesome thing, to make new friends. Whether I get a job here or go off and teach English somewhere else (which seems to be the choice of the lost young Australian) I know that it would be unwise to return to Adelaide straight away. I’d feel disappointed about quitting and worse of all I’d return to a cold, dreary winter and my old patterns.
At the moment, things are just okay. I can survive. I want you all to know that things aren’t just going to be okay, they’re going to get better and then they’ll be good. I’m going to make you all so proud of me, but most importantly, I’m going to be proud of me.
I’m proud of you already. It’s a hard step to take. I always feel weird when it comes to helping friends through a break-up. In all honesty, anything I say won’t matter. It’s all you. But, I’d give you a hug and my complete attention. And you’re right, it’ll only get better and then it’ll be good. And someday you’ll have a little kid running around. A little, ”Munchkin Lord”. We all grow up, start families, raise kid(s), settle down. You want to be sure that when that time comes, you’re with the right person. And even if the whole idea of your own family is still far down the road… it’s a beautiful ride.
Ok, I’m the worst at this. But I’m here for you.
Hope all is well
-SiD
Pip, big hugs go out to you, your real brave! Anxiety sucks big time and making big decisions like you have (or any decision sometimes!) is confusing, but maybe their are a million paths we can take.
I know it may seem impossible but don’t worry about doing any of us proud. You’re a smart, creative and compassionate person and you’re sure to achieve big thing in your lifetime.
I’m not one to be giving advice as I’m often wading in the quicksand myself. Thanks for sharing, and best wishes.
Mish
You can’t be happy with someone else unless you can be happy with yourself.
Spend some time with yourself, and when things fuck up (and they will) you’ll know it was your fault and no-one else’s. Work out what you want/need to do and do it. Be brutally honest with yourself. You’ll learn to like yourself and eventually you will love yourself – and that’s when someone will turn up. That’s when you can be happy in a relationship.
Hang in there Pippa.
Thinking of you.
I’m really proud of you. I’m in fairly much the same situation myself. I’m beginning to be proud of myself….. I’ve also been opening up to my close friends. It helps, so much. Well done.
Hi darling!!!
I’m sending you a cyber hug and lots of love. You are a great person and I know that you will find what you are looking for.
Be kind on yourself and know your friends all love and feel proud of you!
I’m glad to hear that you are going to keep travelling and enjoying your time in Finland.
I hope we can keep in touch
Love ya sweet soul.
Jo
Dear Pip.
I’ve been thinking of you all day and admire your courage.
I echo Jo’s comments above.
You are loved and cared about, and a talented, creative woman that I have been privileged to know. I hope too that we will keep in touch. We are thinking of both of you all the time.
Much love
Terry
Hey, just a small hello. Sounds like you are going through some angst. The hard thing when people dont match up, but their heart has.
Take care,
hugs
Brian
Pip
Wherever you are find a landline phone and send me the number and i will call you. Day or night. I will be in the UK from 13 August to 10 September and then Austria from 10 sep to 16 sep, and back to adelaide on 17 sep. I will be in london a fair bit but also rushing round the country – there is room for you if you want to tag along some of the way. Which email are you using and how full is it ? When i try to email you it often bounces cause your inbox is full. Im massively proud of you x stubby x
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oh ok. just one. o and another o. oh what the hey ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Pippa
I believe you two can do both, together and apart, with some flexing around each other to give each other some space to be themselves as well as time to be united
Love you, Mum
Hey Pippa,
Haven’t been keeping up to date on your life the last month. When last I left you, you were sinking your teeth into some serious, uh, culture. Now that I’ve picked up on your life as it is at the moment, it turns out that you are going through similar things to me. Amy and I have broken up, too.
I’m so sorry that this sad thing is happening, but it sounds like you’re dealing with it well… a decidedly “pipstellar” approach to breaking up with someone you love. I can only echo what else has been written above: that you are inspirational, amazing, brave and loved by many many.
James x