Radio Silence
There’s a deal that I made with someone. Not to talk to them or write to them for a while. Not directly.
The time’s not right. We don’t know how to talk to each other anymore, how to have fun. Somewhere along the way we forgot and learnt bad things instead. When we should have been out drinking and dancing in strange discos, we were hiding in hostels watching television. Things got bad and now that someone is somewhere. Else.
It probably wasn’t going to work out anyway, but we made mistakes and I wish that we hadn’t made them. Wish that we could rewind. I said things that I shouldn’t have said. Reacted with anger when I should have been a friend.
I love this person so much and I don’t know how to be just their friend while I am still in love with them. Don’t know how to be calm around them when I wake up breathless and drowning knowing that they aren’t there anymore. How to just love this person for who they are, when all I want to do is fight to keep them.
And now that person is feeling lonely. That they are going to be lonely and homeless for the rest of their life. That they have no one to look after but themself. That they have no one to travel with, no one to be mates with. No constant.
I’d type into the volunteer form on their website, but I’m not allowed to.
But you know. I needed to say something.
It’s strange how someone else can have so similar situation and similar feelings as I’m having. I’ve always thought I’m the only one, although I also know it’s not like that. At some point I started to think that my friends got tired listening to me so now I keep quiet. Ridiculous as it may sound I’d feel embarrased if they would know that I still love him and think of him every single day. Oh well…
yes. sometimes you have to go against ‘deals’ just to keep your own head up and out of the water. The key is not to beat yourself up about this, my beautiful brown-haired one. Or to wait for a response. There may not be one, and this WILL be ok. xx