Fighting Tiger

Starting to be more public about the anxiety that plagues me and moving out of the known confines of the last year’s work have acted as catalysts on some strange emotional and mental reactions.

I’ve outed this dark monster, this bully. Decided that I can’t enter a new, long-term work situation while everyday life is so overshadowed. And so this thing, this process, seems to have doubled its intensity as it screams at me.

“You think that was worry? That was fear? You think it was hard to write an email, to share an idea, to show what you were capable of? You know nothing small Pippa! I am going to make my grip on your arms tighter, make it even harder for you to breathe and any idea you have about your new path I will criticise and demolish with a force ten, no a million times stronger than I’ve used before”.

Which makes me even more frustrated and furious: with myself and with this thing that I’ve let take over my life. It feels like it is only now am I in a safer space and have the readiness and commitment to move forward and onward with learning how to minimise this thing’s hold on me. Why wasn’t I ready, why couldn’t I take this step forward before?

***

By identifying this thing, by pointing the bone at it and claiming it will no longer rule my life, my awareness of its hold on me has more clarity.

The other day I was on a call with a good friend who is helping mentor me on my next journey. He suggested that I work on a reflective writing exercise. Not only would it be a useful process for my own practice, he was looking forward to reading what I’d written.

I couldn’t pay attention to my friend. Instead, the voice that was demanding my attention was very firmly pointing out that no, my friend was not to be trusted.

“He’s just doing this to punish you. He wants you to fail. He’s going to read what you’ve written and will then laugh at your effort, tell you you’re worthless and then show other people how hopeless you are!”

Never before have I heard this critic so clearly. But rather than let it shut me down I had to gasp a lungful of air in, laugh and tell my friend about the stupid thing that was going on inside. I will not let this thing ruin my life anymore, and luckily the nature of friendship is that when you tell someone about the voices in your head, they just laugh along with you.

***

I am so grateful that I do have friends who will laugh with me and offer sage advice. I am grateful that I still have these spaces where writing can make its way out, where I know that I can do something well and feel capable of sharing it. I am grateful to know that even though my own experience with anxiety is horrible, it is an experience that I am conscious of and able to make changes about.

And so it goes. Another step forward in this process. Less struggle in the future hopefully.