Over the last while, and most especially the last couple of days I’ve been struggling against thoughts of poor self-esteem and self-criticism all tied up with a sense of perfectionism which would never allow me to complete anything even if it let me actually begin something. Tricky.

Luckily I can recognise these thoughts for what they are, thoughts. But they are thoughts clever enough to swoop in when I’m tired, under the weather or hormonal. The thoughts, once they’ve invaded, perch along the edge of my outlook crowlike and squawking.

“Hah! We’re better than you, you’ve never done anything worthwhile and you never will!”

Crows on Wall – B&W, originally uploaded by Rajiv Ashrafi. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

In some ways it’s a little bit like being back in high school.

So exhausted by those thoughts I stay tired and the thoughts hang around for a long day longer.

In those situations, if I ignore my Mindapples, my mental health 5-A-Day I’m even more vulnerable. I’ve recently started running the C25K program which is helping. If nothing else I can say to the thoughts “Writing? Designing? Sure I kinda believe you when you tell me I haven’t got a chance, but running… I haven’t given that up AND I love it.”

And who knew that drinking large amounts of water helped to keep you sane? Well, I do, now. So even though I feel guilty about BUYING water, I figure that the ethical vice of one 1.5 L bottle of sparkling mineral water per day is a minimal vice compared to an over reliance on chocolate, shopping or booze.

So yeah. Thanks to water, exercise and going outside I still fill sane. And primarily happy. But there are these heavy boots that make it harder for me to take steps to improve my life, particularly along the borders of creativity and career. Forget about the odd hints that I could write professionally, for the last month I’ve been quaking about writing for myself and the nebulous audience of this blog.

It took days for me to sit down and write this. And honestly I didn’t want to share too much of this motivational challenge. As is the way with words, they do come out eventually as if with a life of their own.

I wanted instead to talk about the small things that gathered together to fascinate me today:

Everything that I’ve read by Barbara Kingsolver has entranced me, so when I saw Prodigal Summer on a friend’s bookshelf I had to borrow it.  Based on what I knew of her previous books I knew that family, food and nature would be part of the experience.

“Every quiet step is thunder to beetle life underfoot, a tug of impalpable thread on the web pulling mate to mate and predator to prey, a beginning of an end. Every choice is a world made new for the chosen.”

And oh! Prodigal Summer was amazing. It was about nature and food and sex and love and evolution and family. I could practically smell the crumbling wood humus of the Appalachian forest and felt the ponderous, ent-like movement of life and change. However I was reading the novel so quickly that I had to take a break and go running, just so I could prolong the ending of the story.

As I walked my cool down along the canal, I noticed that even though it’s halfway through November, there were still beetles living on tree trunks. There were harlequin beetles which totally give me the heebie jeebies when they swarm, but there were also the fattest glossiest ladybirds (Marienkäfer) that I’ve ever seen.

Prodigal Summer had put me in an even more noticing mood than usual, so I payed particular attention to the varieties of ladybirds, red with black (9?) spots, a yellow version of the same and then most excitingly a variety I’d never noticed before, the Twice Stabbed Ladybird which is black with a large red spot on either wing.

Oh. They were beautiful.

On the topic of beauty, while I was reading a line from a song kept on going through my head, “the beauty in everything, the beauty in everything”. It took me a while to recall that the song “Woman’s Touch” is by No Through Road, a band from my hometown, Adelaide.  Their latest album, Winner. has been one of my favourite records over the last year.  When I actually relistened to the song I realised that the refrain is preceeded by “I can no longer find the beauty in everything.”  Despite having felt low for weeks, I was reminded that while I might feel terrible, I can always see beauty in the world and that counts for so much.

• an electric can opener
• an old vacuum cleaner
• a blender

Maybe it’s just because there was a bunch of smoke, but I actually enjoyed tonight’s interpretation of John Cage’s Variations VII.  Apart from the smell of some really hideous perfume on a woman standing nearby, the room smelt like melting plastic and burnt out motors.  It was a bit like guitar strings breaking, but still not quite rock and roll.

I’m probably still suffering the negative associations of a past relationship, but my back gets incredibly tense at the thought of much noise related art practice.  Then again, don’t even get me started on the terrible things that can be done with visualisations.

It would be easier to say that I just don’t get some types of media art , but something must fascinate me about it, because I keep on thinking about it and what I want to do as a practice within the greater new media field.   Nothing elaborate, but damn it, if I am to do anything I at least want to do it well.

Maybe one day I’ll actually work on one of my ideas.

Back in the sunless days when I lived in Finland, I started thinking an awful lot about how great Adelaide is. Then I realised that I only know a tiny bit about my hometown. I have my favourite parks, streets, beaches and cafes, but unless someone else tells me about something new, I rarely explore outside my comfort zone.

Being a geek I had an idea for a website about why Adelaide is so rad, so I bought a rather fun and cheap german domain about 6 months ago*. But I needed more content for this website than I could just write myself. So ultimately the plan kind of stalled…

Until this morning when I decided to finally design a very simple logo, and to actually get the radelai.de domain to work properly… [still waiting on this - my apologies, but i'd appreciate positive problem solving vibes to be sent this way...] … And now I’m all inspired again and hungry for content to put onto the web.

radelai.de : got balls? by Fighting Tiger.

Which is why I’m emailing you. I want you to help me with content for radelai.de.

What are your favourite things about Adelaide? Why do you choose to stay here or come back even though you’ve moved? When you’re entertaining visitors to Adelaide, what do you show them? Which deli makes the best bacon sandwich? Is there really a secret vat which makes the best tasting Farmers Union Iced Coffee? What are your favourite places in the hills and further afield?

So, are you interested? Have you and your friends got [metaphorical] balls?^

Let me know your ideas!

Articles should be between 100-500 words in length. If you can supply images to accompany written content that would be lovely. Over the longer term, video / podcasting content would also be sweet…

At this point of the project, payment is unlikely but notoriety and my everlasting gratitude is assured.

Yours,

Pippa xo

zine fair preview by Fighting Tiger.

If you happen to be DIYing or Zineing* for the Adelaide Fringe / Ministry of Zines Zine Fair this Saturday there’s going to be a last minute Collation Collation at my house this Friday evening from 6.30pm.

Not only is this an opportunity to celebrate in this year’s best ever piece of word play, but we can all share food and stories of paper cuts and freak stapling accidents. Also, as this is the last weekend of summer time, we should revel in the balmy evening.

If it isn’t too cold we’ll brave mosquitoes on the lawn, otherwise we’ll sit in the drawing room and glory at my late grandmother’s well chosen furniture.

Bring something to eat and drink, things to collate and paper cutters and long armed staplers.

If you don’t know where I live, send me an email (p i p s t a r [dot] b a t t l e c a t [at] g m a i l [dot] c o m) and i’ll give you the address.

* Maybe you’re just a huge fan of zine culture or remarkably well prepared attendee who doesn’t need to collate at the last minute. You can just help someone collate their works and worship at the feet of people such as me, or Ianto Ware.