And what of the world traveller, the woman who’s now lived in 5 different countries?

I am so very glad to regularly lay myself down in this, our most beautiful bed. It’s comfortably soft and firm at the same time and layered with a bedspread I bought from a tiny old lady in Sapa, Vietnam several years ago.

The map reminds me of the places I’ll be and the places I’ll go – but most days I’m very happy to be at home. I really like the small city feel of Linz and I’m beginning to reach out tendrils of personal growth into the opportunity of this place.

I’m slowly documenting my making and doing a little more, primarily to make myself feel more productive but also to prepare a portfolio. It’s strange, but in these days of craft and cooking blogs it can often feel like you’ve done nothing until it’s been documented publicly.

For example:

Cloning a Kombucha Scoby

I’m not much of a soft drink consumer, though I do love carbonated spring water and “gespritzte” juices. I have enjoyed Kombucha, but spending 3€ per bottle on fermented tea seems like a waste when I can follow a tutorial and make it myself.

I’m hoping that the Scoby mother will grow – so far there’s a pleasant cider vinegarish smell which is meant to be a good sign.  Apparently it’s also good to anthropomorphise your scoby “mother” and give it a name. Since I used Yorkshire Tea and raw Demerara sugar in the mix it seems that Mrs Rochester will be appropriate.

There’s something about cloning a mass of microbes (yeast and bacteria) which is strangely compelling.  I’m hoping that we’ll have a batch of Kombucha ready for the public mushroom growing workshop of Time’s Up‘s Non-Green Gardening residency.

Picking Wild Foods

Living in Berlin put a bit of a dampener on picking wild foods, something which I’d done in Finland, Adelaide and during my short time in Sheffield. Despite collecting some blackberries in Gorlitzer Park, the ubiquity of dogs and their waste meant I was reluctant to pick nettles.

So the presence of wild and urban food sources around Linz is quite lovely. There are more backyards for fruit trees to escape from and there’s a healthy continuing tradition of collecting wild foods. Many of my urban finds are being tracked in Boskoi and I’ve got a lovely book that I’m slowly learning to understand.

Bärlauch / wild garlic (Allium ursinum) is in season now and Vicy, Theresa, Lisa and I went picking a couple of weeks ago after a quick tutorial on how to recognised the leaves.  If nothing else the smell of garlic helps you identify the bärlauch from its poisonous and perfumed doppelgänger Maiglöckchen / lily of the valley.

I’ve frozen some chopped leaves and have several jars of pesto (with almonds and sunflower seeds) that are awaiting consumption.  Unfortunately the stored pesto coincides with me trying to manage my carbohydrate intake, so I’ve not been eating nearly as much pasta as I’d like. Nor are bärlauchsemmelknödel (wild garlic bread dumplings) especially low on the GI scale… Oh but they’re delicious!

Travelling on Handbuilt Boats

Recognising bärlauch came in handy just before Easter when we started the second journey* of the Control of the Commons (CoC) project and began travelling down the Danube on a Frankenboat. In short we only managed to camp for one night before our trip was halted due to being an unidentifiable watercraft.

We made our camp near Wallsee on an old section of the Danube that was bypassed when a hydroelectric weir was installed.   The highlight was being camped next to a forest of bärlauch and young nettles, both of which made it into that evening’s risotto.

As much as I love the CoC project, camping in Austria in early April is not such a good idea for the ill-prepared. We almost reached hypothermia as a result of being too tired to layer up properly in our sleeping bags on a -2°C night, so our camping experience was not amazing.

Yet another reason to be grateful to return to our lovely bed.

*See, I really should be blogging more – not only have I not mentioned our wedding at all I also neglected to talk about travelling down the Murray River for 3 weeks on another weird boat.  Another time… I promise.

It’s not that I’m like this all the time, and luckily it’s not scary depression. However it is the kind of depression that stops me from easily doing [new] things or finding much joy in anything. When you’re relatively freshly moved to a place and in the search for work, most things are new. Glory, it does seem easier to sleep and hide at home and knit rather than push through this layer of bleurgh to be more me than I’m letting myself be.

Rationally I can tell that there’s a layer of depression weighing down on me and it’s clouding my interpretation of the world and my relationship with the world. The world, I know, is weird, but generally fantastic and there are many good things in my life.

Tim for example is more than good and supports me in so many ways. I’m seeing a therapist who is interesting and helpful. I’m really glad to be finally living in Linz, and I enjoy the size of a smaller city (200,000) after the last years in Berlin. I’m meeting lovely new people here and take my knitting out to the local Stitch and Bitch.  And luckily on those hide at home days, there is knitting while watching Six Feet Under. And at least if I’m knitting I’m still doing something while I hide at home and Six Feet Under is a fitting accompaniment to both knitting and the blues.

In a couple of months Tim and I will be in Australia getting married and enjoying the summer and building boats. There is so much to be happy and joyful about, but it’s so incredibly frustrating that a forcefield of inertia is preventing me from actively engaging with my life to the full extent possible.

Anyway. More than writing about depression I wanted to share a detail photo of my grandmother’s wedding dress.

I think that modifying this dress will be the most intimidating thing about getting married to Tim – he’s great just the way he is and I’m so happy to have him in my life.

The dress is almost 80 years old and feels very vulnerable – I’m a little afraid to take it from being my grandmother’s wedding dress to mine and am thinking about having a second dress available to change into after the more formal bits of the ceremony.  I’m slowly working up the courage to tidy up the hem and shorten the sleeves in preparation for an Australian January wedding. Wish me luck!

I’ve outed this dark monster, this bully. Decided that I can’t enter a new, long-term work situation while everyday life is so overshadowed. And so this thing, this process, seems to have doubled its intensity as it screams at me.

“You think that was worry? That was fear? You think it was hard to write an email, to share an idea, to show what you were capable of? You know nothing small Pippa! I am going to make my grip on your arms tighter, make it even harder for you to breathe and any idea you have about your new path I will criticise and demolish with a force ten, no a million times stronger than I’ve used before”.

Which makes me even more frustrated and furious: with myself and with this thing that I’ve let take over my life. It feels like it is only now am I in a safer space and have the readiness and commitment to move forward and onward with learning how to minimise this thing’s hold on me. Why wasn’t I ready, why couldn’t I take this step forward before?

***

By identifying this thing, by pointing the bone at it and claiming it will no longer rule my life, my awareness of its hold on me has more clarity.

The other day I was on a call with a good friend who is helping mentor me on my next journey. He suggested that I work on a reflective writing exercise. Not only would it be a useful process for my own practice, he was looking forward to reading what I’d written.

I couldn’t pay attention to my friend. Instead, the voice that was demanding my attention was very firmly pointing out that no, my friend was not to be trusted.

“He’s just doing this to punish you. He wants you to fail. He’s going to read what you’ve written and will then laugh at your effort, tell you you’re worthless and then show other people how hopeless you are!”

Never before have I heard this critic so clearly. But rather than let it shut me down I had to gasp a lungful of air in, laugh and tell my friend about the stupid thing that was going on inside. I will not let this thing ruin my life anymore, and luckily the nature of friendship is that when you tell someone about the voices in your head, they just laugh along with you.

***

I am so grateful that I do have friends who will laugh with me and offer sage advice. I am grateful that I still have these spaces where writing can make its way out, where I know that I can do something well and feel capable of sharing it. I am grateful to know that even though my own experience with anxiety is horrible, it is an experience that I am conscious of and able to make changes about.

And so it goes. Another step forward in this process. Less struggle in the future hopefully.

It’s a lot to write about, so let me first set the scene.

Copyright: 2009, Florida Center for Instructional Technology.

I’ve been aware of anxiety’s presence in my life  since 2005 when I was working in the games industry and suffered my first panic attacks. Panic attacks are often the terrifying first sign that something is not quite right with how you’re thinking and are often triggered by extra stressors and things to worry about.

Looking back before 2005, I can recognise the beginnings of poor thinking habits that make me far more worried than should be normal. That said, working in games (the stress, the late hours etc) definitely provided a good trigger for overthinking and made it much harder to maintain good mental health.

I’d been working the ridiculous hours that somehow add to the glamour of technology jobs, particularly games development. Then I went to hear Greg Bourne deliver the Hawke Lecture and then spent the evening and next days in total terror of climate change. And that weekend I woke up so so sure that my heart and lungs were being squashed by everything that was wrong with myself and the world and that I was going to die.

One of the things to know about anxiety disorders is that you take a normal, healthy amount of concern required to manage a difficult situation, and multiply that by many factors of overthinking and add reactions evolved millions of years ago.  Evolutionarily anxiety worked for us like this: see a tiger pacing by, start thinking of places to hide or sticks to use as weapons, then release a bunch of adrenalin as you fought or fled. The problem is that tiger-appropriate adrenal responses – increased blood pressure and heart rate, restlessness and muscle tension are inappropriate for most modern challenges. Today, tigers aren’t an everyday threat, so a difficult situation might just involve applying for a new job or discussing a problem with a friend and normally we don’t need the fight or flight response in those situations.

Work and environmental and social collapse as a result of climate change are two of the main spaces where I see tigers and am always pretty sure things are going terribly, horribly wrong. See, it’s logical that work and enviromental contexts are both very important spaces in which you should be concerned about threats and make appropriate responses. The problem for people like myself is that the thinking gets stuck in the identifying threats mode far too much of the time and makes it harder to actually get anything done.

Luckily for me,  panic attacks are relatively few and far between but as with that first panic attack when they do appear, it’s to signal that I really do need to start paying attention to my mental health. Of course, there are other symptoms but despite being really quite serious they are easier to ignore than a feeling of imminent doom: -

• • holding your breath and grinding your teeth while emailing?
    this email had better be perfectly worded and leave no room for misinterpretation. That next email is far too scary to answer. I’d best ignore it.
• Feelings of mild paranoia while in face to face and online meetings?
  They’re going to realise I know nothing about doing this job, I’ll get fired and no-one will ever employ me again.
• Hiding in bed in the morning
  It’s not worth getting up, everything I do is worthless and I’m sure something terrible will happen if I even just go to the shops and have to speak German.
• Lying awake at night feeling very aware of all the things that could go wrong ever.
  I don’t have proper curtains, people will come to visit will see this,  tell Tim I’m an unfit fiance and he’ll break up with me and we’ll never live the rest of our lives with the happiness we deserve or the family we were meant to have and our children would have been born with major health issues anyway. Really, it’s all fucked so why even bother with the curtains let alone eating breakfast tomorrow?

In between panic attacks and weeks of feeling generally horrible and exhausted there are times when I feel totally fine: confident and powerful enough to change the world. I’ll be happy and calm, inspired and productive at work,  I meet new people without fear, leave the house and confidently speak poorly structured German, face the world and the future full on and trick myself and others into believing that everything is okay and will forever be amazing.

These days exist and they are what I want to have more of. Too much of the time though I’m not okay, I’m not getting things done in the way with the ease or capacity I should.

Sometimes I feel like a mouse being played with by a cat – the type of play where the cat seems to take a vicious delight in playing with the mouse and then seemingly ignores it before pouncing again. I’ll get over a phase of anxiety without much effort on my behalf and feel great. Then, weeks or months later I realise I’m not free of worry and I find myself hopeless, unproductive and tense again and I know that I never really solved the problem.

I’m hoping that by writing more publicly about anxiety I will actively do more to challenge my experience of this disorder and to follow through with the positive behaviours  and thinking changes that will help me improve. When I next return to this topic, I will write about how I hope to improve this situation, the tools I’ve used to good effect and the challenges with maintaining and setting good habits and living in the real world.

Those three weeks earlier this year were exhausting and in many ways I didn’t feel very settled during my time back here. Perhaps it was the excitement of introducing T to my favourite people and things of A-Town or the energy that pervades the city in the lead-up to Fringe and the festival. And the previous visit home was for a frantic month as I packed up, sold my things and rather rudely told Adelaide that things were over between us.   Luckily, despite the fact that my Dad is getting older and frailer due to his lung disease, I feel suprisingly relaxed and happy on this return trip.

A lot of my current feelings towards Adelaide have a lot to do with maturity and finally beginning to feel at home in Linz with T.  So despite missing T like the blazes and really wanting to have him around to support me as I help my family, it feels good to be back here and to begin to assess my old home with the eyes of someone older (remember, this is the town you settle down and have kids with).

Another big reasons for loving my hometown this time around is that it’s winter. I’m missing the summer in Linz, but in some ways the chill of a hibernating Adelaide is so satisfying. It’s tea and toast time, eating soup and good bread with friends weather rather than all-out party season.

It’s actually been raining here, so for the first time in almost four years I’m seeing Adelaide (and my old garden) with green growth, both good and unwanted. There’s something wonderful about a cool weather garden and the smell of soil and decaying leaves as you pull up weeds. As much as I love being able to container garden and finally have a balcony to fill with plants I have missed the mindfulness that comes from weeding an actual garden bed.

The other day I battled, pulled and dug against one of my favoured old enemies for a half hour while my father rested in the living room.  Looking after Dad is a very slow, sometimes sad and frustrating business and I needed some active destruction to balance me out. Besides the stress relief of weeding and the satisfaction of dirt under your nails and a visible change to the space, I love weeding as it lets me observe the techniques that plants use to spread themselves around.

My weeding enemies - the unidentified climbing succulent plant, plus ivy and soursobs (oxalis)

On Friday the plants I attacked were ivy and some weird succulent climbing thing that I don’t know the name of, but would love to identify so I can accurately curse it.  The plant is growing up and around an overgrown shrub and despite intermittent and zealous attacks over previous years it persists and spreads around.

This plant just makes me get all awe-full and think about evolution. It is incredibly cleverly constructed and seems to propagate itself as you weed it. The leaves and sections of this plant fall off far too easily and forgetting pieces on the ground gives them a chance to take root and spread themeselves around.

This kind of promiscuous growth demands action and despite only being back in Adelaide temporarily I started down the dangerous path of Significant Garden Plans for the family home. Obviously the leggy shrub would go, but the winter weather calls for replanting the front beds with fruit trees, which leads to reading plant catalogues and considering just where a pizza oven could go.

At some point I looked up and realised that it felt like I’d never gone away from here. Tim, Linz, Berlin, working on School of Webcraft and all of those things seemed light years and lifetimes away.

Oh, it is a weird feeling to be here and to feel so very comfortable and to feel the pull of this place pulling me back. At the same time Tim and the actual everyday life I’ve chosen is in Linz and as I fall asleep I’ll be wanting to wake up back in our bed and go for a run along the Danube.

I’ve lived overseas (on and off) for about 5 years now and it has always been with the knowledge that distance makes it much harder to maintain contact with family and friends. Either you’re here or you’re there, and despite the best intentions and the latest in technology it’s almost impossible to maintain or grow a relationship in the same way that realtime and realspace allows. There’s something about biorhythms, a shared physical environment, eating and drinking together that will always be more valuable than endless Skype conversations and email lists.

It’s one of the reasons why, even today, organisations still spend huge amounts of money and burn fossil fuels to organise face-to-face meetings and why for the last two years Tim and I spent weeks of time on train trips between Berlin and Linz. Luckily of course, I’m finally living in Linz and the tension that resulted from never being quite at home has begun to ease.

Being in a long-distance [romantic] relationship within the confines of Europe has also obscured the many other long-distance relationships that have evolved: all the many across Australia, to those scattered in Finland and Brussels, Newcastle Upon Tyne, the Norwegian bits of the Arctic Circle, Biggleswade, Sheffield, Brighton, Dunedin, London and beyond. Of course, now with the move to Linz, those who made up my community in Berlin are now more people far afield. Within my head when I think of these friends I also think of the people I’ve met briefly, desired as friends but have never had a full chance to become friends with.

So lately, as annoyed emails have begun to arrive from those I’ve neglected I’m trying to work out how to maintain these relationships, how to provide intermittent meaningful connections that transcend Facebook messages and work for those who are far less digitally embedded than I am.

Letters and packages I guess. I managed to send one off to Berlin yesterday.

That’s what’s been bugging me for the last week or so. Today though my tyrannies of distance are familial. My father has finally asked for me to come back home and visit him, sooner rather than later. He turned 76 last week and he’s been ill for ages, so this isn’t such a surprise.

I can remember when he rang up to tell me he’d been diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis and that slowly, his lungs were scarring and being eaten away by a autoimmune response. I was in Helsinki at the time and even though my memory places me in the flat on Mechelininkatu I lived there in 2006. Somehow that timing feels wrong, maybe it was when I was back in 2008?

So for at least 3 years while I’ve been away there’s always been the knowledge that one day I’d have to go back home to hang out with Dad and not really know how long I’d be back in Adelaide for.

What’s amazing though is that for far longer than was expected, Dad’s lung capacity stayed strong. Based on advice from a doctor friend and responding to data from drug trials on rats, he started to take high levels of anti-oxidants and until recently his lungs were good. But at the end of last year he was hospitalised following a stomach flu and as seems to be the way, suddenly felt, I don’t know what. His age? Breathless?

Putting aside the fact that Dad is ill, I am looking forward to hanging out with him some more. As a child he preferred to teach me maths than play sports, but as I’ve grown older I realise how much he’s influenced me – to love science and to be more of an independent worker than an employee. Without a doubt, one of the reasons why I’m with Tim is that in many good ways he reminds me of my father.

So yeah, I don’t really know how to finish this post. I still need to work out the best tickets and how to fit this around work and how to manage being away from Linz  so soon after I arrived here.

Maybe it will give me more motivation to write postcards.

A couple of friends started to write their own lists and a couple even made it up to 100. Recently Pete Hindle, returned to his list of 50 things and updated it with comments as to what had been achieved and his current thoughts on his list. Pete almost died and so has a) a really good excuse for not finishing things on his list b) his life has changed drastically which definitely changed his opinion about some of his learning items. It will be interesting to see if the life changes I’ve gone through (finally meeting a good man, getting a job, getting another job, travelling away from Berlin a lot) have affected how I feel about items on my list.

100 Things I Want To Learn (More) About… Updated!

1. Botany
   Hmmm. I haven’t yet learnt to identify plants using a taxonomy. So. No.
2. A musical instrument: guitar or cello
   Let’s just say that 360 days ago I was given a beautiful guitar and can barely play 3 chords. So this learning task is active, but moving slowly. Actually taking lessons might be the next step.
3. Haircutting
   I can cut boys’ hair if they have some curl to hide the mistakes. The mistakes aren’t as often or severe as they used to be. But I haven’t learnt any fancy techniques (yet).
4. How to make a sponge cake
   Really, why would I make a sponge when there are so many other amazing cakes to bake out there? Not Yet.
5. How to maintain my bicycle
   In general I’m better at working with bikes thanks to a couple of sessions at Regenbogen Fabrik’s bike workshop. But my bike in Berlin is not currently maintained – sadly the type of maintenance I know won’t make it better, it will just keep it existing for longer.
6. How to make bagels
   Nope. One day, when I’m making brunch for people. I do finally have a recipe I want to use.
7. Throat Singing
   Hah. I find the idea of throat singing fascinating, but I don’t want to learn it that much. Let’s just say I may have still wanted to impress my ex at this point.
8. Bookbinding
   Not yet. I don’t have anything I want to bind at the moment, and it’s pretty easy to get amazing notebooks in Berlin.
9. Basic Arabic
   Nada. But my amazing new flatmate is doing Islamic studies and she can write essays in Arabic.  I know who I’m going to ask for help.
10. How to make better Karelian pies
    I’ve not made a Karelian pie for ages. I think that visiting friends in Finland and buying Karelian pies has to be higher priority than making my own… I’m getting really good at making Spinach pancakes, one of my other Finnish food desires.
11. How to seed save from fruits like tomatoes
    I have nowhere to grow the tomato seeds that I’d save. Maybe not in 2011, but hopefully by 2012 I’ll have access to some proper garden space suitable for tomatoes.
12. Permaculture
    As above. Though I do like the idea that permaculture design principles can be applied to non-garden systems. See Fo.am: Groworld
13. Sociology basics
    This was related to the Friendship component of the DIY Masters. Sadly, the Friendship project was the most interesting, but has been the hardest lot of learning to start. I’m hoping that a related course will pop-up within P2PU one of these days.
14. Crocheting
    I need to sit down with someone who can crochet… I get the basics but get lost when I try to follow a pattern. In the world of crafts Knitting or Crochet is a question along the lines of Cats or Dogs and Tea or Coffee. I’d really like to crochet a granny rug like the one Claire from Loobylu is working on, but before I can do that I need to crochet one or two squares successfully.
15. Japanese rope work
    Ahem. Yep. I know more about this. Let’s just say that it’s a lot of fun.
16. Drums
    Guitar has to take priority. I don’t know if I was planning to start a one-girl band or something. I don’t think you can go from primary school recorder skills to multi-instrumentalist without practicing even one instrument.
17. Punctuation
    I don’t suck at using punctuation, but I’m not sure if I’m using it correctly all the time.
18. English grammar and editing
    Slowly working on improving my knowledge of this.
19. Basic electronics
    I don’t have anything I need or want to make at the moment. And electronics is a fairly empty skill to have if you’re not actively using it. I can make a light flash on an Arduino. I’m not sure if that’s even basic electronics though.
20. More screenprinting skills (especially light sensitive emulsion)\
    Nope. No time. But I have made some cool stencils for Time’s Up Boating Association.
21. Multi-coloured linocuts
    I finally bought myself some linocutting equipment and used it once to make a stamp for a gift. I did do multi-colour stencils. Does that count?
22. How to layout designs for laser cutting
    Not yet. As with electronics you need to have a project to work towards for this kind of stuff. I do finally have an idea of something that would actually be useful to make using a laser cutter…
23. Basic woodworking and carpentry
    I helped build a goddamn boat. Yes.
24. How to change a washer on a tap (relearn)
    I haven’t needed to change a washer lately. But when I do I will learn how to do it.
25. Pattern drafting, better skirts, shirts and trousers
    I made a skirt. I can’t imagine when I’m going to have the time to sew anything for at least a year. Yikes. But I am better at knitting socks now.
26. Typographic theory
    Nope.
27. Better CSS skills
    Slowly slowly. Not that you’d see evidence of this on my personal site.
28. Another CMS apart from WordPress, Drupal and perhaps Moodle
    I learnt how to use Silverstripe for my last job. It was great. I’m not convinced of the ease of use of Drupal and I’ve been on the student-end of Moodle. It sucks.
29. More knowledge about OS educational packages
    I’ll be helping out at the P2PU techsprint and have been doing a bit of work on a Personal Learning Environment (PLE). I’m really excited to see how Big Blue Button works.
30. Basic Esperanto
    Ne.
31. How to cut dogs’ toenails / claws without feeling icky.
    I don’t have a dog (yet).
32. Fishing: how to catch and clean a fish
    Yes! At least the head bopping kill bit and the cleaning up part.
33. Butchery: how to kill & dress a chicken
    Nope.
34. Basic charcuterie
    I’m good at eating bacon, but haven’t made any yet.
35. How to do a headstand / handstand in yoga
    No. But yesterday I downloaded a podcast which will apparently help me to master inversions.
36. Unicycle
    I wrote this when I was 29. Maybe I felt that street performance skills and the risks of broken bones were still a valid life choice.
37. Better knife skills for cooking
    I bought a sharper knife. This made the cutting easier and meant that I had to keep my fingers out of the blade’s way.
38. How to make the ex-beau’s chilli.
    I can spell A.S.S.H.O.L.E. now. And I can read recipes. Let me amend that to How to make good chilli.
39. How to make Mum’s tomato pie
    I have the recipe! Now to make it.
40. How to make baklava
    I live in Kreuzberg and am surrounded by Turkish stores. Learning how to make baklava right now would be a waste of baklava eating time.
41. How to write grant applications
    I figure this road to hell will enter my life soon. I also think that we might be developing a learning resource as part of the Free Culture Incubator workshop series.
42. How to write residency applications
    Not an artist. Maybe one day.
43. How to train a dog
    Still needing a dog to do this. One day. Apparently after our first child is born.
44. More Linux / Terminal commands
    sudo makemeasandwich -cupoftea
    no seriously, i can use VI now without even thinking about it.
    
45. How to talk about what I want and need with a partner without ending up crying all the time
    I am so good at this that I’m now engaged to be married.
46. Better German
    
    Yes it is better, but I’m not confident about it and still need to find time to attend more classes.
47. How to look after my heart better (emotionally, but physically too)
    See 45. Also I do exercise a lot more regularly.
48. How to start a project and stick with it
    I built a boat and knitted socks amongst other things. I think part of the trick here is choosing a project you actually are interested in working on.
49. Better money confidence – eg. how to invoice and get paid what I’m worth.
    Slowly, slowly. I still feel sick when I think about writing invoices, but at least I do it now.
50. How to make really good coffee / latte art – even if I can’t drink it.
    Not only does my flatmate know Arabic she is also an amazing barista. I know who I’ll get to teach me.
51. How to home brew beer.
    I realised that beer makes me depressed. My fiance doesn’t drink it either. I do like to help other people do homebrew, but I no longer see the need in learning to make it.
52. How to sail
    Yes! And I love it!
53. Falconry
    Really? I wanted to learn falconry?
54. How to make a great Manhattan
    I’m hoping to never work in a cocktail bar again. So this is very low priority.
55. How to make a whiskey sour
    Despite 54. I still like to drink whiskey sours. May still learn how to make this.
56. How to make the amazing soup dumplings from Shanghai
    I want a recipe, but have not yet found one that seems right.
57. How to pack light and look great with only a few clothes
    Slowly getting better at this. I really need to update my wardrobe. The only new clothes I seem to get are free Mozilla and P2PU tshirts.
58. Basic car maintenance
    I haven’t driven for almost two years now! But once I get back to driving more frequently this will have to be learnt.
59. How to prune roses
    Did I mention that I really want a garden?
60. How to prune fruit trees
    No really. One with fruit trees and roses. Crazy huh?
61. How to tune a guitar
    Yes! An electric tuner makes this so much easier. Electric tuners do not make it easier to get motivated to practice though.
62. Origami page fastening – no staples or paper clips
    Using a computer requires no paper fasteners. I actually pick up paper clips from the ground when I see them and then reuse them. And when I have readings from Uni I end up having to staple or bind them as there are so many pages.
63. Audio recording and editing to the level required for good podcasting
    Not yet.
64. Video recording and editing to the level required for good vodcasting
    I did actually do some vodcasts. So yes.
    Yep… I do need to make more videos…
65. What key I can sing in naturally / most easily
    How can I learn this? It would make transposing guitar tab a more directed exercise.
66. The value of my time
    It is valuable, but now I need to manage that valuable time a lot more effectively.
67. Better massage skills
    This doesn’t guarantee that other people can massage you any better. Sad but true.
68. Yoga exercises for my back
    Yep. Also, a laptop stand and a keyboard can make your life much more comfortable.
69. How to make an Iyengar style yoga bolster
    €55 at the Iyengar shop. Problem solved. Buying materials to make a heavy enough bolster would have cost just as much.
70. Meditation
    Since I don’t have a garden (yet) and have nothing to mindlessly weed I really do need to work on the meditation thing. Are there any non-sucky guided meditation podcasts out there?
71. Better public speaking
    I seem to engage my audience. I’m looking forward to more opportunities to improve on this.
72. Better Kitchener bind offs while knitting
    My socks have beautifully finished toes.
73. Better Illustrator / Inkscape / vector drawing skills
    Low priority.
74. Manual SLR Photography
    I just need to take more photos full stop, regardless of my manual skills.
75. How to say No to things I don’t really want to do.
    I’m getting way better at this.
76. Curry pastes from scratch
    Not yet, but what a good idea.
77. Plant grafting
    This comes under the heading of “Requires a garden space”. I’m getting pretty good at propagating pot plants but it’s not really equivalent to grafting an apple tree.
78. How to make Kway Teow
    I’m not sure that I even like Kway Teow anymore. Will have to research and eat some when I’m back in Adelaide.
79. How to make good laksa
    My urge to make Malaysian food is reduced to due to fairly lousy inspiration and supplies in Berlin. Making rocking Laksa would be awesome though.
80. Pasta making
    Just haven’t had the time.
81. Whittling
    This would be fun, but I’d rather knit.
82. How to be happy even when the sun isn’t shining
    Friends, drinking enough water, exercise, candles and fleeing to Australia over winter are all good remedies for this.
83. Belly dancing
    Not yet. Getting back into poledancing would be more interesting, but Berlin doesn’t seem to have classes in the same way Australia did.
84. Tai chi
    Nope.
85. Time management / project management software
    This would be really useful, but I have an aversion to Microsoft Project on moral grounds. Not sure what I should look at learning instead. Ideas?
86. A martial art
    Nope. I reckon tai chi would count though.
87. The rules of cricket
    I’m fleeing to an Australian summer. I’m going to make a lazy Boxing Day’s attempt at this.
88. The rules of football / soccer
    The World Cup and another season of Australian Rules have passed me by. Let’s just say I’m not interested at all.
89. How to be more self-reliant in a relationship
    A year and a half of a long-distance relationship mean that this is not an option. Yes.
90. Basic letterpress printing

Would be nice, but I don’t have a press.

91. How to run a small business
    I guess I’m trying to do this as I’m now contracting my work as a freelancer. It is so hard learning this in a non-English context.
92. Basic upholstery
    I keep on finding neat chairs that would be better recovered but am not finding any fabric in Berlin that I’d like to use. Still quite a practical skill but low prioirity.
93. Repeating fabric designs
    I think I wanted to learn the vector skills (73) and screenprinting stuff (20) in order to achieve this. It’s still interesting and I did a little of it working with Sprout Design back in 2007. Now I think I’d rather just buy someone else’s nice fabric and sew with that.
94. CPR refresher course
    No. Please don’t hurt yourself near me as my First Aid Certificate is well out of date.
95. Forest / countryside gleaning
    Getting better at this in Austrian contexts. Berlin’s offerings are often dog and human pee laden.
96. Food canning / preserving
    I made jam last year! I’d love to do some more canning. This summer I was far too busy and barely at home.
97. That martial arts type thing where someone kinda rolls their body up to standing.
    Why? It would be cool, but I can’t imagine when I’d use this skill. Obviously I wanted to do this for a cool recovery when I’d fallen off a unicycle.
98. How to be content with what I’ve got
    I am so happy with my life. I guess I’ve learnt how to do this, but I’ve also learnt to look for opportunity too.
99. How to write at an academic level
    I got an HD for my last assignment, but I just want to be able to articulate ideas clearly.
100. Better research skills: databases, academic journals and articles, Google scholar etc.
     Slowly slowly. I must work on my boolean search skills.

Phew. I reckon updating this list took more time than writing it the first time around!

Even though I fell head first, properly and oh so significantly into love with the aforementioned BMC, I didn’t suddenly drop everything and move to Linz. Considering the catalysts for the last two moves to Sheffield and Berlin, this is incredibly surprising.  But maybe, despite having no regrets and being rather grateful for those experiences in their own odd ways, it appears that I’ve learnt something.

Or perhaps I feel at home.

And when considering learning from my experiences or finding a home, I should add in finally. I mean, to move countries on the spur of the moment for a man is romantic, but to do it twice (in one year, and for different men) is not just careless, but also incredibly foolish. I don’t know what Oscar Wilde’s Lady Bracknell would say about a third time, but considering how she felt about the loss of a parent, I can’t imagine she’d be very kind. So maybe I should focus more on the fact that I feel at home in Berlin, and one of the things that has helped that has been that I’ve been very happy in my apartment.

I’m in a great position in Kreuzberg, my room is south-facing and full of light AND has nice floors, and the bathroom and kitchen, while not perfect – do satisfy my requirements by having a good, hot shower and a stove and oven that don’t suck.  I’m friends with several of my neighbours and know almost everyone in the building by name and have babysit half the kids and shared cake with their parents. And until recently, I had managed to maintain a relatively good relationship with my flatmate, only to have it sour from some hideously poor communication on their behalf in the last couple of weeks.  Myeh. I could go on for hours. But I won’t.

Anyway, I might be looking for a new place to live and that honestly petrifies me.  Of course there are the general considerations of whether there’s enough light to keep my happily provided with Vitamin D,  and building repair and cost which are tempered somewhat by the bright sides of maybe finally having a native German speaker for a flatmate. But then there are some more Berlin specific challenges to deal with, like whether I would end up with coal heating and what discount supermarkets are nearby.

I’m unlikely to move away from Kreuzberg, and from all reports coal heating is rarely in use in the former West German parts of Berlin, but I’m wary.  I spent a month in a coal heated sublet when I first moved to Berlin and despite the coziness of having an actual fire in your bedroom, the novelty of hauling fuel and old ash up and down stairs and waiting 3 hours for your room to defrost is over in about a week.

More realistically I’m worried about what stores might be nearby. I’m pretty sure that besides the weather and the state of the S-Bahn, discount supermarkets are one of the most frequent topics of conversation amongst people living in Berlin. Unlike weather and public transport which are more universally recognised, the matter of Berlin grocery shopping is very localised and has its own language: Is Netto or LIDL better? Does your Penny Markt actually carry any stock? Is visiting ALDI a soul destroying experience for everyone? Which place has the best range of organic goods? Why did PLUS close? Why is Edeka easy to forget about? Do you find visiting the Karlstadt basement (a ‘proper’ supermarket) akin to a religious experience for you?

Of course, there are proper supermarkets which have everything you’d expect in a store – but due to both cost and convenience, most people end up shopping at their nearest discount store only to find that it doesn’t carry certain products. Then, because they have a favourite type of cheese or coffee they end up schlepping to the store that does stock it anyway.  In the end you develop favourites, and even though it’s a little further away than a couple of other supermarkets, Netto seems to have won me over, they’ve got a good  range of organic food that I can actually afford, stock Spreelinge pickled cucumbers and have a proper section devoted to baking goods.  So that’s another reason why I love my apartment and am hesitant to leave it, I might end up far from a Netto store.  And what would happen if there was only an Aldi nearby? I’d be liable to turn suicidal.

* Unlike 2008 in which I started in Adelaide, re-visited Helsinki for 4 months and would have stayed if I’d been able to find a job I loved, moved to Sheffield in the UK temporarily and then, after making a temporary stop for a couple of weeks in Hong Kong and Hanoi, went back to Adelaide to properly pack up before moving to Berlin. Eek.

Autumn Cheer, originally uploaded by Fighting Tiger.

A couple of years ago I posted a step by step approach to dealing with bouts of anxiety or depression. It was some home brewed cognitive behavioural therapy that got me through some heartbreak. The bad times passed and then I deleted the post.

And even though I still followed some of my own advice, I’d forgotten how specific and useful a paper (or electronic) set of the reminders could be in times of the crazy sads.

A few months back an old housemate asked me where the post was and I couldn’t find it in either my archives or anywhere online. But yesterday I hit archive.org paydirt and found the text again. I twittered it and was told by a follower that she’d forwarded the link to a friend who’s going through some tough times – and that her friend had printed up two copies to keep by her side.

Which of course made me feel all happy, that maybe this list of actions might help more people than just me.

So… here is the In Case of Emergency list again. Please feel free to leave comments or further advice.

Luckily I can recognise these thoughts for what they are, thoughts. But they are thoughts clever enough to swoop in when I’m tired, under the weather or hormonal. The thoughts, once they’ve invaded, perch along the edge of my outlook crowlike and squawking.

“Hah! We’re better than you, you’ve never done anything worthwhile and you never will!”

Crows on Wall – B&W, originally uploaded by Rajiv Ashrafi. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

In some ways it’s a little bit like being back in high school.

So exhausted by those thoughts I stay tired and the thoughts hang around for a long day longer.

In those situations, if I ignore my Mindapples, my mental health 5-A-Day I’m even more vulnerable. I’ve recently started running the C25K program which is helping. If nothing else I can say to the thoughts “Writing? Designing? Sure I kinda believe you when you tell me I haven’t got a chance, but running… I haven’t given that up AND I love it.”

And who knew that drinking large amounts of water helped to keep you sane? Well, I do, now. So even though I feel guilty about BUYING water, I figure that the ethical vice of one 1.5 L bottle of sparkling mineral water per day is a minimal vice compared to an over reliance on chocolate, shopping or booze.

So yeah. Thanks to water, exercise and going outside I still fill sane. And primarily happy. But there are these heavy boots that make it harder for me to take steps to improve my life, particularly along the borders of creativity and career. Forget about the odd hints that I could write professionally, for the last month I’ve been quaking about writing for myself and the nebulous audience of this blog.

It took days for me to sit down and write this. And honestly I didn’t want to share too much of this motivational challenge. As is the way with words, they do come out eventually as if with a life of their own.

I wanted instead to talk about the small things that gathered together to fascinate me today:

Everything that I’ve read by Barbara Kingsolver has entranced me, so when I saw Prodigal Summer on a friend’s bookshelf I had to borrow it.  Based on what I knew of her previous books I knew that family, food and nature would be part of the experience.

“Every quiet step is thunder to beetle life underfoot, a tug of impalpable thread on the web pulling mate to mate and predator to prey, a beginning of an end. Every choice is a world made new for the chosen.”

And oh! Prodigal Summer was amazing. It was about nature and food and sex and love and evolution and family. I could practically smell the crumbling wood humus of the Appalachian forest and felt the ponderous, ent-like movement of life and change. However I was reading the novel so quickly that I had to take a break and go running, just so I could prolong the ending of the story.

As I walked my cool down along the canal, I noticed that even though it’s halfway through November, there were still beetles living on tree trunks. There were harlequin beetles which totally give me the heebie jeebies when they swarm, but there were also the fattest glossiest ladybirds (Marienkäfer) that I’ve ever seen.

Prodigal Summer had put me in an even more noticing mood than usual, so I payed particular attention to the varieties of ladybirds, red with black (9?) spots, a yellow version of the same and then most excitingly a variety I’d never noticed before, the Twice Stabbed Ladybird which is black with a large red spot on either wing.

Oh. They were beautiful.

On the topic of beauty, while I was reading a line from a song kept on going through my head, “the beauty in everything, the beauty in everything”. It took me a while to recall that the song “Woman’s Touch” is by No Through Road, a band from my hometown, Adelaide.  Their latest album, Winner. has been one of my favourite records over the last year.  When I actually relistened to the song I realised that the refrain is preceeded by “I can no longer find the beauty in everything.”  Despite having felt low for weeks, I was reminded that while I might feel terrible, I can always see beauty in the world and that counts for so much.